Quotes of the Morning: The World According to Pat

“Remember these classics?”
-Skippy

“We have a court that has essentially stuck its finger in God's eye. We have insulted God at the highest levels of our government. Then, we say, ‘Why does this happen?’ It is happening because God Almighty is lifting His protection from us.”
-Pat Robertson, September 13, 2001

"Would you join with me and many others in crying out to our Lord to change the court?.. One justice is 83 years old, another has cancer, and another has a heart condition. Would it not be possible for God to put it in the minds of these three judges that the time has come to retire?"
-Pat Robertson, July 2003

"We ask that you will give justice, Lord, Supreme Court Freedom.. We ask that we might see freedom from what this institution has done to this nation. They have distorted the Constitution. They have perverted the law. They've entered the arena on the side of evil, and we pray, oh God, that you might raise the standard against them."
-Pat Robertson, July 2003

“Federal judges are a more serious threat to America than Al Qaeda and the Sept. 11 terrorists, the Rev. Pat Robertson claimed yesterday.
‘Over 100 years, I think the gradual erosion of the consensus that's held our country together is probably more serious than a few bearded terrorists who fly into buildings,’ Robertson said on ABC's ‘This Week with George Stephanopoulos.’
‘I think we have controlled Al Qaeda,’ the 700 Club host said, but warned of ‘erosion at home’ and said judges were creating a ‘tyranny of oligarchy.’"
-New York Daily News, May 2, 2005

“Well, praying for the deaths of Supreme Court Justices is old and busted. Now the new sweetness is praying for the death of foreign leaders. Ok, not so much praying as avidly endorsing their brutal demise.”
-Skippy

“Religious broadcaster Pat Robertson called on Monday for the assassination of Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez, calling him a ‘terrific danger’ to the United States.
Robertson, founder of the Christian Coalition of America and a former presidential candidate, said on ‘The 700 Club’ it was the United States’ duty to stop Chavez from making Venezuela a ‘launching pad for communist infiltration and Muslim extremism.’”
-Associated Press, August 23, 2005

“Ah yes, assassination. That’s just what Jesus would do. Can’t we all just agree that Robertson is crazy as a loon and get on with our lives? Oh, and by the way, Muslim extremism would have to be fairly extreme to thrive in a country that is 96% Roman Catholic, 2% Protestant and only 2% ‘other’.”
-Skippy

“You know, I don't know about this doctrine of assassination, but if he thinks we're trying to assassinate him, I think that we really ought to go ahead and do it. It's a whole lot cheaper than starting a war. And I don't think any oil shipments will stop. But this man is a terrific danger and the United ... This is in our sphere of influence, so we can't let this happen. We have the Monroe Doctrine, we have other doctrines that we have announced. And without question, this is a dangerous enemy to our south, controlling a huge pool of oil, that could hurt us very badly. We have the ability to take him out, and I think the time has come that we exercise that ability..”
-Pat Robertson, August 22, 2005

“Oddly enough, when I read his words I seem to detect a man more concerned about the flow of oil than about communist Muslims, but hey, what do I know?”
-Skippy

"We are at a time of war and Pat had war on his mind when he made the comments."
-Christian Broadcasting Network Spokewoman to the BBC, August 23, 2005

“Great minds think alike, and so do Bush and Robertson apparently.”
-Skippy

“I'm a war president. I make decisions here in the Oval Office in foreign-policy matters with war on my mind.”
-George ‘Dubya’ Bush, on Meet the Press, February 7, 2004

“Just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean that they’re not out to get you.”
-Unknown

“Oddly though, Mr. Robertson had a few issues with government overthrow a while back.”
-Skippy

"How dare the president of the United States say to the duly elected president of another country, 'You've got to step down.’”
-Pat Robertson, on Liberia, July 2003

"We're undermining a Christian, Baptist president to bring in Muslim rebels to take over the country.”
-Pat Robertson, on the situation in Liberia, July 2003

“He, unfortunately, shares some business interests with the ‘Christian, Baptist president’, Charles Taylor. Go figure.”
-Skippy, July 23, 2003

“In February, at a national three-day prayer-and-fast rally partially funded by Robertson, Liberia's President- a U.S. prison escapee who, according to Human Rights Watch, has run ‘the whole gamut of human rights abuses’- declared he had seen the light. ‘We in Liberia recognize that there is a higher authority,’ said Charles Taylor, decked out in a short-sleeved white suit and standing on a red-carpeted stage at the center of the Samuel K. Doe stadium in Monrovia. ‘I am not your President. Jesus is!’ He instructed the estimated 65,000 people in the crowd to prostrate themselves and join in a song that he would lead despite his position - face down on the carpet. As the rally ended, Taylor presented a ceremonial plate to an American preacher named John Gimenez who had helped organize the event. ‘Thank you,’ Taylor said. ‘Tell Pat Robertson, and please present this to him as a token of our appreciation.’”
-Fortune Magazine, May 28, 2002

“And, since I went to the trouble of looking up this idiot’s quotes, here are some more of them..”
-Skippy

“The Constitution of the United States, for instance, is a marvelous document for self-government by the Christian people. But the minute you turn the document into the hands of non-Christian people and atheistic people they can use it to destroy the very foundation of our society. And that's what's been happening.”
-Pat Robertson, The 700 Club television program, December 30, 1981

"I know this is painful for the ladies to hear, but if you get married, you have accepted the headship of a man, your husband. Christ is the head of the household and the husband is the head of the wife, and that's the way it is, period."
-Pat Robertson, The 700 Club, January 8, 1992

“And good headship is hard to find.”
-Skippy

"When lawlessness is abroad in the land, the same thing will happen here that happened in Nazi Germany. Many of those people involved in Adolph Hitler were Satanists. Many of them were homosexuals. The two things seem to go together."
-Pat Robertson, The 700 Club, January 21, 1993

"NOW is saying that in order to be a woman, you've got to be a lesbian."
-Pat Robertson, The 700 Club, December 3, 1997

“Many of those people involved with Adolph Hitler were Satanists, many of them were homosexuals -- the two things seem to go together.”
-Pat Robertson, January 21, 1993

"Homosexuals want to come into churches and disrupt church services and throw blood all around and try to give people AIDS and spit in the face of ministers."
-Pat Robertson, The 700 Club, January 18, 1995

“And now, for a few closing words from the wisest man to ever rock.”
-Skippy

“Imagine if you will
A multi-millionaire Television Evangelist,
Saved from Korean Combat duty by his father, a U.S. Senator
Studied Law -
But is not qualified to practice it
Father of a 'love child'
Who, in adulthood, hosts the remnants
Of papa's religious propaganda program
Claims not to be a 'Faith Healer',
But has, in the past,
Dealt sternly with everything from hemorrhoids to hurricanes
Involved with funding for a 'secret war' in Central America
Claiming Ronald Reagan and Oliver North as close friends
Involved in suspicious 'tax-avoidance schemes',
(Under investigation for 16 months by the I.R.S.)
Claims to be a MAN OF GOD;
Currently seeking the United States Presidency,
Hoping we will all follow him into -
The Twilight Zone
What if Pat gets in the White House,
And suddenly -
The rights of 'certain people' disappear
Mysteriously?
Now, wouldn't that sort of qualify
As an American Tragedy?
(Especially if he covers it up, sayin'
'Jesus told it to me!')
I hope we never see that day,
In The Land of The Free -
Or someday will we?
Will we?”
-Frank Zappa, Jesus Thinks You’re a Jerk, 1988