Quotes of the Morning: Speaking Truthiness to Power

“I’m not sure how many of you watch Stephen Colbert’s ‘Colbert Report’ on Comedy Central, but you should. Theoretically an extremely right-wing pundit in the tradition of Rush or O’Reilly, Colbert manages to turn all of the conservative arguments, and the talking heads that support them, back on themselves. Because of his critique of both the media and the administration (which he claims is too liberal) Colbert was asked to do a bit in the annual light-hearted White House Correspondents’ Dinner. They didn’t exactly get what they wanted, and the President (who was about four seats down) certainly wasn’t happy with it. Here are some excerpts.”
-Skippy

“Wow. Wow, what an honor. The White House correspondents' dinner. To actually sit here, at the same table with my hero, George W. Bush, to be this close to the man. I feel like I'm dreaming. Somebody pinch me. You know what? I'm a pretty sound sleeper -- that may not be enough. Somebody shoot me in the face. Is he really not here tonight? Dammit. The one guy who could have helped.”
-Stephen Colbert, White House Correspondents’ Dinner, April 29, 2006

“I believe in pulling yourself up by your own bootstraps. I believe it is possible -- I saw this guy do it once in Cirque du Soleil. It was magical. And though I am a committed Christian, I believe that everyone has the right to their own religion, be you Hindu, Jewish or Muslim. I believe there are infinite paths to accepting Jesus Christ as your personal savior.”
-Stephen Colbert, White House Correspondents’ Dinner, April 29, 2006

“Now, I know there are some polls out there saying this man has a 32% approval rating. But guys like us, we don't pay attention to the polls. We know that polls are just a collection of statistics that reflect what people are thinking in ‘reality.’ And reality has a well-known liberal bias.
So, Mr. President, please, pay no attention to the people that say the glass is half full. 32% means the glass -- it's important to set up your jokes properly, sir. Sir, pay no attention to the people who say the glass is half empty, because 32% means it's 2/3 empty. There's still some liquid in that glass is my point, but I wouldn't drink it. The last third is usually backwash.”
-Stephen Colbert, White House Correspondents’ Dinner, April 29, 2006

“I stand by this man. I stand by this man because he stands for things. Not only for things, he stands on things. Things like aircraft carriers and rubble and recently flooded city squares. And that sends a strong message, that no matter what happens to America, she will always rebound -- with the most powerfully staged photo ops in the world.”
-Stephen Colbert, White House Correspondents’ Dinner, April 29, 2006

“The greatest thing about this man is he's steady. You know where he stands. He believes the same thing Wednesday that he believed on Monday, no matter what happened Tuesday. Events can change; this man's beliefs never will.”
-Stephen Colbert, White House Correspondents’ Dinner, April 29, 2006

“But, listen, let's review the rules. Here's how it works: the president makes decisions. He's the decider. The press secretary announces those decisions, and you people of the press type those decisions down. Make, announce, type. Just put 'em through a spell check and go home. Get to know your family again. Make love to your wife. Write that novel you got kicking around in your head. You know, the one about the intrepid Washington reporter with the courage to stand up to the administration. You know - fiction!”
-Stephen Colbert, White House Correspondents’ Dinner, April 29, 2006

“Everybody asks for personnel changes. So the White House has personnel changes. Then you write, ‘Oh, they're just rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic.’ First of all, that is a terrible metaphor. This administration is not sinking. This administration is soaring. If anything, they are rearranging the deck chairs on the Hindenburg!”
-Stephen Colbert, White House Correspondents’ Dinner, April 29, 2006

“See who we've got here tonight. General Moseley, Air Force Chief of Staff. General Peter Pace, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. They still support Rumsfeld. Right? You guys aren't retired yet, right? Right, they still support Rumsfeld.”
-Stephen Colbert, White House Correspondents’ Dinner, April 29, 2006

“Joe Wilson is here, Joe Wilson right down here in front, the most famous husband since Desi Arnaz. And of course he brought along his lovely wife Valerie Plame. Oh, my god! Oh, what have I said? [looks horrified] I am sorry, Mr. President, I meant to say he brought along his lovely wife Joe Wilson's wife. Patrick Fitzgerald is not here tonight? OK. Dodged a bullet.”
-Stephen Colbert, White House Correspondents’ Dinner, April 29, 2006

“This man is my new hero.”
-Skippy