Quotes of the Morning: Cutting in Twain

“Aw, the heck with it. I’m taking the easy way out today and just quoting some oldies but goodies from one of America’s finest humorists (and no, that wasn’t a subtle dig at Dubya).”
-Skippy

“If Christ were here now, there is one thing he would not be - a Christian.”
-Mark Twain

“Suppose . . . burglars had made entry into this . . . [library]. Picture them seated here on this floor, pouring the light of their dark-lanterns over some books they found, and thus absorbing moral truths and getting moral uplift. The whole course of their lives would have been changed. As it was, they kept straight on in their immoral way and were sent to jail. For all I know, they may next be sent to Congress.”
-Mark Twain

“There is no distinctly American criminal class - except Congress.”
-Mark Twain

“Hain't we got all the fools in town on our side? And hain't that a big enough majority in any town?”
-Mark Twain

“I don't like to commit myself about heaven and hell - you see, I have friends in both places.”
-Mark Twain

“The trouble isn't that there are too many fools, but that the lightning isn't distributed right.”
-Mark Twain

“I refused to attend his funeral. But I wrote a very nice letter explaining that I approved of it.”
-Mark Twain

“She was not quite what you would call refined. She was not quite what you would call unrefined. She was the kind of person that keeps a parrot.”
-Mark Twain

“After all these years I see that I was mistaken about Eve in the beginning; it is better to live outside the Garden with her than inside it without her.”
-Mark Twain

“My first American ancestor, gentlemen, was an Indian-an early Indian. Your ancestors skinned him alive, and I am an orphan. All those Salem witches were ancestors of mine. Your people made it tropical for them. . . . The first slave brought into New England out of Africa was an ancestor of mine-for I am a mixed breed, an infinitely shaded and exquisite Mongrel.”
-Mark Twain

“My books are water; those of the great geniuses are wine. (Fortunately) Everybody drinks water.”
-Mark Twain